Embracing the shadow.
The unsexy truth is that I don’t care about making you more money.
There, I said it.
Don’t get me wrong – Money is bloody awesome and you NEED to heal your money story and make more money than you probably do right now – and you will probably make more as a bonus or side effect of the work that we do together, but as a primary objective – I’m not interested in making you 6 or 7 figures.
Money, is vital to a business, because you know what, without it you have an expensive hobby, not a business – and most of the women who come work with me are not making enough money and have a lot of ‘stuff’ around money and worthiness.
Interestingly, most of the men who work with me are doing good financially, but have no time to themselves and their lives lack meaning or vitality.
of course there are exceptions to every ‘rule’ – its more about feminine and masculine energy than gender – but do you wanna know what I really care about?
Your happiness and feelings of fulfilment.
Beyond that, I want to help you feel whole and know that there is a place for you and that you belong!
What I have learned in my five years of doing this work and working with hundreds of different clients all over the world, from 21 to 72 years old, is that regardless of gender, stereotypes or definition of success one thing in this work is more true that any other…
which is that:
It is always about embracing the shadow and finding a sense of true belonging inside of ourselves that makes the difference between
Money or no money
Time or no time
Happiness or feelings of peace and contentment or no.
Each of us has a bag of shadows that we carry around with us, full of behaviours and traits that we learned were not going to get us the love that we so craved.
This ‘shadow’ bag by the time we’re in our 30’s 40’s or 50’s is often bulging and weighing us down, and yet we try and ignore the heaviness. We pretend it’s not there.
Inside that bag are disowned parts of ourselves that need integrating, shadowy parts, behaviour, beliefs and traits that need some light and some air and some acceptance.
It can be really quite scary to look in the bag.
I get it, some of the shadows in mine terrified me.
Even the thought of looking at them was enough to convince me that I’d be lonely and exiled forever if I dared open the sack.
But the human psyche has a great desire to be whole.
and it will find a way…
The shadows in the bag get louder and louder – sometimes they keep us awake at night and sometimes they turn into illness to get our attention.
Sometimes they leak out as raw untamed, wild RAGE or SHAME
But here is the thing that I know.
The monsters under the bed are never as terrifying in reality as they are in your imagination.
In truth my shadows are what make me human and whole.
and now that I am willing to look in the bag, it collects far less.
“Well, that’s just great Ebonie. But, how do I stop myself from screaming at my kids or saying yes when I mean no?”
Here are my top three tips for embracing and accepting the shadows in the bag:
1. Acknowledge them.
Imagine that the shadows are a toddler who wants attention. If you ignore it, likelihood is that they’re just going to scream louder. Spend some time getting curious about the uncomfortable feelings you’re feeling. You have to feel it to heal it, so take some time to explore and identify what the feelings are.
2. Give them a voice.
Get your journal out and script a conversation between grown up you and inner child / teenager you who’s angry, sulky or sad. Give them a name and spend sometime finding out who they are, where they come from and what they’d like. Listen with compassion.
3. Be your own ideal mother or father.
100% of the time, the un-integrated parts of ourselves have an unmet need. Once you have listened you will mostly likely have been asked for something; a symbol of acceptance. Gift yourself this symbol and notice as the old pain dissipates and changes into something else.
Often my clients and I come up with ceremonies or rituals to support the acceptance and integration. Often by acknowledging that this shadow exists we can reframe it and find the gold, or choose a new piece of identity around the belief, behaviour or reaction.
If you would like to discuss this further, please get in touch.